On the day that he was born
I lost my deathwish on the day that he was born. All of a sudden, bravery and courage became strange words to me. I lost all desire for conflict and confrontation. Where before I chased after death and never cared for my own safety, I suddenly valued my life and did not want to put it at risk. I wanted to be alive to see him grow up. I began to be afraid and worried about little things. One big fear was of losing him in a big crowd and never to see him again. I shuddered at the thought of him living where I could not see him. Do all fathes feel this way when their sons are born? Am I being overly-melodramatic or just being silly?
Not having anyone to care for also made me careless about my own life. All of that disappeared when he opened his eyes to the world to begin a new life that was a riddle which I could never solve. How it would turn out is something that I will never be privy to and it made me insecure and helpless. I worried about this happening or that happening. Nothing could make me lose the feeling of utter helpnessness. Finally, I came upon a decision that made sense to me. I offered him to God. I overcame my sense of worry and panic and being overly protective when I offered him to God. I remembered that everyone is in God's hands and that nothing is ever accidental or unplanned. That thought laid my fears to rest.
Today, a large conflict erupted and I don't see how it could ever be solved. My heart feels heavy and I feel powerless in the face of this. Suddenly, I feel very tired and helpless. I feel old and useless.
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Not having anyone to care for also made me careless about my own life. All of that disappeared when he opened his eyes to the world to begin a new life that was a riddle which I could never solve. How it would turn out is something that I will never be privy to and it made me insecure and helpless. I worried about this happening or that happening. Nothing could make me lose the feeling of utter helpnessness. Finally, I came upon a decision that made sense to me. I offered him to God. I overcame my sense of worry and panic and being overly protective when I offered him to God. I remembered that everyone is in God's hands and that nothing is ever accidental or unplanned. That thought laid my fears to rest.
Today, a large conflict erupted and I don't see how it could ever be solved. My heart feels heavy and I feel powerless in the face of this. Suddenly, I feel very tired and helpless. I feel old and useless.
Visit these pages:
posted by webnight | 9:03 AM
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